Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Man Flu III




I've posted about Man Flu before, but what do I care? If I've got to suffer a repeat of the actual complaint, then I think it only fair that others should suffer a repeat of my complaining.

Man flu is a ghastly and most debilitating ailment, and bears no resemblance to the kind of flu that women get. It's certainly not a 'bit of a sniffle' - a phrase that I've heard being unkindly bandied about in our house.

I would say it's more like malaria. That same feeling of one's bones being slowly crushed from within...the uncontrollable chattering of the teeth...the raging thirst for liquid...any liquid. (Although tea for preference. And maybe a digestive biscuit to go with it, but only if you happen to be passing the Co-op on your way home from work, my dear.)

Horses used to get something similar, I believe, or perhaps I'm thinking of cattle. It was known as 'the staggers'. Or was it 'the botts'? I'm so delirious I can't remember, but I do know that they usually died of it and I'm hardly surprised. This would definitely kill a horse, what I've got.

They found a cure for horse flu but nothing for man flu, as yet, so we must take whatever comfort we can. My Dad used to swear by the 'whiskey and hat' method for treating the condition. It's one of those simple old country remedies that seem to have gone by the by, along with ducking-stools and blood-letting. You get yourself a bottle of whiskey and sit yourself up in bed with it, having first hung your hat on the bedpost. Any class of hat will do, but take Irish whiskey for medicinal choice. Then you drink the whiskey and stare at the hat.

Just keep on doing that...sipping at the medicine and watching the hat. Eventually, if you look closely, you'll see that there are actually two hats. Maybe more.

At this point, stop. Put down the medicine bottle and go to sleep. When you next awake you'll be cured - or cured of man flu at any rate. I gather there may be some residual side effects, but I can't say what these might be as I've never tried it. Whiskey makes me gip.

Ah me. I wonder if the priest is still awake. Maybe I ought to get him to pop round. I had to miss the Sunday night quiz this week, and that's serious. But there. I don't suppose there's much a priest can do for me now.

No, quiet fortitude is the only way through man flu, and so it's aptly named in that respect. We bear our troubles in silence, we men.

8 comments:

Vanessa said...

You poor old thing. Are you sure that this isn't just malingering to avoid a deadline???

Steve Augarde said...

Perspicacious as ever, Vanessa...or rather no, no, no. Not a bit of it. What can you be talking about?

Mr Vincent said...

It's good to see you keeping busy Drinking Yorkshire Tea and eating a biscuit or two is what the doctor orderd TEN TIMES A DAY.

Steve Augarde said...

Yorkshire Tea is what I always drink, Sir, and I invariably take it with a biscuit. However, I see no reason to cut my intake in quite such drastic fashion as this so-called doctor advises!

Vanessa said...

I became a convert to Yorkshire teea when I lived in Leeds but the last decade in Edinburgh has seen times where I could only get hold of Yorkshire Gold (the gourmet option) by visiting distsnt branches of Asda. I do wish Waitrose would stock it...

On the biscuit front, I prefer custard creams with tea and bourbons with coffee - you couldn't possibly dunk a bourbon in tea but dunking it in coffee has a strangely cosmopolitan feel.

Sorry for rambling - I'm somewhat zoned out with back pain!

Steve Augarde said...

Sorry to hear about the back pain. You might need to put something a little stronger in that tea than a custard cream...

Mr Vincent said...

Man Flu... back pain... let's all have a cup Green Tea good for both.........Not found a YORKSHIRE variety thoe too much rain maybe!!

On the biscuit front i like Half Man Half Biscuit great music to have a biscuit to......any biscuit
will do as long as it has a big crunch.....

How's the new book coming along Sir Augarde?

Steve Augarde said...

New book's coming along fine, I think, and thanks for asking. I'm currently stuck in Bechuanaland. The plane's nearly out of fuel, and the Greyshirts are looking ugly...